Cheers to 28

Tomorrow I turn 28, so it's another time of reflection for me. What, if anything, is different from last year? What's the good and the bad of being about this age?

Well, last year I was in grad school and was out on the Kaibab Platea helping to collect water samples during my birthday. My friend (who definitely had a crush on me) surprised me with a cake; me and one of the other gals drank Gold 4 Locos (though I had to finish the second half of hers), and we stumbled up a cactus and burr covered hill with a flute and drum to complete the required 4 Loco adventure.

This year, I plan to drink a 4 Loco and hike Mt Tallac in Lake Tahoe. I've also just moved here and have begun to make new, outdoorsy friends.

Sounds like nothing's changed right?

Well, what's different about this year is that I'm trying to move somewhere permanently. 

Meep!

It was admittedly anxiety-inducing to type that word. But there's been a very stark line that's been crossed this past year where any negatives of moving around now greatly outweigh the benefits. 

I'm tired of moving everything I own, changing my mailing address, having such surface-level relationships. At 28, I'm not seeking to change my identity (traveler, tent dweller, tryer of everything), but those are all things one can indulge in while also having...permanence. 

I've recognized before that I try to maintain a one-step-ahead-of-you type life, where I dip before people can dip on me. I've swallowed the fact this year that this is because my family emotionally dipped on me. I don't want to end up treating others like my family has treated me. And I know that doing that would be naturally easiest, despite my nature to be extremely loyal. Families have a bigger impact on us than some of us would like to admit, and as with any long-term relationship it's never simple. It requires a lot of hard work and time, but is worth it in the end. For me, I finally let go of my family this year; though they said that they did, they didn't really want to put in the time and effort fixing our relationship needed. In short, when just opening an email from your family nearly causes you to have a panic attack, it may not be a healthy relationship. In even more of a short since I could probably write about my reflection on the past year all day, here's a bullet point list of the good and bad changes I've seen in my past year.

Cheers to 28

The good:

I've begun to focus on commiting to larger accomplishments, rather than short and sweet ones. Big accomplishments require a hell of a lot of work, but lead to a lot bigger rewards, including stronger relationships and self identities. 

I've set boundaries on what I'll do for people. I'd still drive 14 hours across the state to spend a couple of days with someone (whether it's platonic or not I am, after all, still a romantic deep down in there), but I won't compromise my own wellbeing to do it. I also won't pull all nighters anymore to make things happen. Grad school killed that cat for me!

My impulsivity is finally gaining some equilibrium. I say this having just taken an impulsive road trip to the Grand Canyon. But I've begun to really ask myself what's best for me in the long term when making impulse decisions. Like anything, some impulse decisions align with your long-term goals or sometimes you just need to go with the flow. Having the wisdom to know when and where has come with age.

I'm not in any rush to make someone like me. I chuckled at this one. This past year I've really began to stand my ground when it comes to trying to be exactly who I am and do exactly what I want to do, and not do it for anyone else (aside from perhaps doing something charitable haha). I'm more interested in making long term friendships than long term romantic relationships. If someone wants to take the time to understand what I need romantically, that's cool. I'm not gonna be pushy about it. You don't want to consider what I need? That's fine, I'll be out climbing mountains and chasing my dreams. 

I'm physically stronger than ever. I listen to the voice in my head that says "you, an athlete? HAH!" less and less these days, which has also allowed me to get more consistent exercise under my belt. I'm feeling powerful and am driven to seek more of this.

The bad:

I still feel like such a mess. Oh man. A year spent doing grad school (just in that one year), out of the country for 2 months (New Zealand), and doing seasonal work has left me completely out of any routine. I've also spent WAY too much time moving my shit. It's so hard at this point to not just throw all of my clothes and gear down on the floor and just lay in it and die there. 

Most of my deeper relationships live a state or more away. A remnant of living "away" (I guess away from the Sierra for me) while in college, and of going through over 6 years of college has led to my friends widely dispersing. When I have a deep or funny thought that requires the context of knowing me or a certain friend group, etc. well, often my only option is to send a text message to someone in a different time zone. 

I'm still poor as shit. I've taken steps towards educating myself and gaining experience to make myself a productive member of society, but with everything that's been going on I'm still outrageously broke. Moving, traveling, and also still having many of the same clothes I had when I started college have led to big money drops. Permanency could definitely help this as well.

There are still many fears I need to face. I don't want all of my time to be focused on facing fears, which will required more routine. Facing new living situations and people has taken a lot of my capacity for doing this but I look forward to moving past this during the coming year.

Overall I'd say that as I turn 28, there's more clarity than ever as to what I want and how to actually make it happen instead of just dreaming about it. I feel like after such a mentally challenging 27, a lot of learning has occurred and 28 is going to be an incredible year : ]